Monthly Archives: Sep 2019

Sexual limits – what are yours?

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I want to make one thing clear before I go any further, what I’m about to write isn’t meant to kink shame anyone. I want to write about something that’s considered, even within the kink community, to be on the more extreme end.

I was asked what my sexual limitations were and I’ve always known what they are and how to express them to my partners. Sure, they may have changed slightly over time, the more sexually experienced I’ve become and the more I’ve pushed my boundaries. Things I perhaps wouldn’t have dreamt of doing a year ago seem less scary now or are something I happily enjoy.

But there are still aspects of BDSM that I can’t see myself ever being comfortable with. For example, I’ve never been interested in needle or knife play. However, there is one area of BDSM that stands out for me and something I could never see myself doing and that’s what’s known as CNC.

CNC stands for Consensual Non Consent. Typical CNC scenarios include simulated rape, use of knives, drugging, being chased or pursued, used by multiple men, being tied down and blindfolded, abduction as well as being forced to do things against their will.

Even writing these things down makes me uncomfortable. They’re dark fantasies I know many people have. So rather than shying away from discussing them, I’m keen to know more and hear from those that do engage in CNC.

In terms of where I stand, I have a number of concerns that stop me from wanting to engage in CNC. One such are the legal implications, particularly concerning the men who engage in it. I’ve always wondered how you protect yourselves from accusations of rape?

On the woman’s part, where do you draw the line? How do you know when it’s gone too far for you? A woman is asking to have their control taken away. They want to know what it feels like to be raped whilst still being able to safeword out. It seems to me like a dangerously fine line.

 

I found that the further I delved into exploring this notion of limitations, the more I began to realise that having limitations are important and necessary. They’re there to protect us and keep us safe. I’ve always found it slightly worrying and even reckless hearing people say, they have ‘no limit’s’. I always wonder how much this is true.

 

Bi Visibility Day

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Today, on BiVisibility Day, I thought I’d write a little something about my bisexuality, not because being bi is trendy or cool but because being sexually attracted to women is as natural for me as being attracted to men is.

Its not a phase

There’s no exact moment I can pinpoint when I ‘discovered’ I was bisexual. It was never that was. I think I always knew I was attracted to women but the mechanics of actually having sex with a woman seemed alien and scary to me. At school, in films and in the media I’d been inundated with images of heterosexuality as a teenager. Being ‘gay’ or ‘lesbian’ was touched upon briefly in the classroom, in an attempt to be more inclusive but bisexuality was never really mentioned. I never knew how ‘to be’ bi.

Even at University when many of my friends were openly bisexual, I still didn’t feel confident enough to explore this side of myself, manly because I was struggling with other aspects of my sexuality in general after experiencing a sexual assault.

My first sexual experience with a women was as part of a threesome with a married couple. I was attracted to both the husband and wife but I’d assumed going into it, that both myself and his wife would play with him and him with us. Prior to meeting we never discussed the wife and I playing together. It also happened to be my first threesome experience, so there were a lot of emotions and expectations flying around.

Upon first meeting the couple, they put me completely at ease. They said, if at any point I felt uncomfortable or didn’t want to go through with it, then I should let them know and we would stop. There was no pressure for me to do anything. This only made me want to spend the night with them even more. I knew they were the right people to have a threesome with and as the night drew on, the right woman to have my first bisexual experience with.

bi

When it finally came to us all going back to the hotel room after dinner, it was all very relaxed and casual. The wife went into the bathroom to get changed into her lingerie and I lay on the bed kissing her husband. When she came out, wearing a black lace bodysuit I knew immediately that I wanted to have sex with her. She has a sumptuous curvy body and I desperately want to touch her.

The two of us started kissing and everything about it felt natural. I’d always been worried that I wouldn’t know what to do when the time came, but I need not have worried. She put me completely at ease and we kissed and touched for a long time, whilst her husband watched us. Then when it came to it, she initiated the oral sex and I reciprocated. It didn’t take me long to work out how she liked it and when she orgasmed, her whole entire body seemed to shake.

From then on, I knew this was something I was going to enjoy and was a natural part of my identity. I stopped thinking about my sexual orientation in terms of my relationship status. The two weren’t linked and it didn’t matter that I’d spent most of my life in relationships with men, I was still be bisexual. And more than that, it didn’t make me any less bisexual for having done so.

I’m writing this to challenge the biphobia I see all around me. The idea that eventually you’ll ‘pick a side’ or that you’re just ‘being greedy’.  I’m not ashamed of my bisexuality. It has made previous partners uncomfortable and I’ve tried to put them at ease as much as possible, but ultimately it is something that need reconcile themselves to and it isn’t my job to make them ok with my sexuality. When it came down to it, I know there was this fear that I would cheat on him with a woman. I’m not sure why he felt I wouldn’t cheat on him with a man, but nonetheless, he seemed far more concerned about that. This was largely down to having never been with a bisexual woman before.

The Erotic Journal Challenge – Body Love

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Trigger warning. There are some parts of this post that may be difficult to read.

This challenge was originally posted for week #22. Since the next couple of weeks of The Erotic Journal Challenge are all about catching up on those you’ve missed, I thought week 22 would be a good one to revisit since it follows on nicely from my previous post.

The prompt was:

What parts of your body do you love and what parts do you have trouble accepting? Our bodies tell a story, what tale does yours have to tell?

I decided to answer this prompt by not discussing what I love and hate about my body but rather by telling you a story about what it’s been through.

Ann Summers Bra and Knickers

10 years ago I’d never have had the confidence to post a picture like this. Some days I still see all my faults.

In my teens I had what’s considered by some, especially teenagers, to be the perfect body. I was skinny. Not just slim but rake thin. The reason for this was because I was a tomboy. I trained as a long-distance runner and played for just about every team you could play for at school. I spent my evenings out playing with my sisters and I was almost always active, when I wasn’t reading. I was teased for being skinny and called a stick insect and anorexic. I hated my body and wished I had a curvy, sexy one that all the boys seemed to fancy.

In my late teens I experienced a sexual assault that left me despising my body even more. I couldn’t bare to be touched or even looked at. I stopped doing sports and buried my head in studying and going to University. I put a lot of weight on, to the point where I can’t bring myself to look at pictures of myself from ages 16-18.

I went to University and lost a lot of weight but I still wasn’t happy. My friends were perfect or so it seemed to me; slim, intelligent, accomplished women and yet they seemed obsessed with losing weight and I constantly compared myself to them.

I left University and for a while I was happy with my body and didn’t really give my size or weight much thought. I was too busy thinking about what I was going to do with my life and working my arse off.

Then I went on holiday and picked up a stomach bug which left me ill for months afterwards. This was followed by some of the most crippling depression I’ve ever experienced.

My body showed very little sign of the years I spent in my late 20’s struggling and suffering with severe IBS and panic attacks. The only physical sign was the slow weight loss, when eating anything meant feeling nauseous. It doesn’t tell the tale of how I was almost house bound because I couldn’t get on public transport without having a panic attack.

Where I completely isolated myself from friends and family because I felt guilty about constantly cancelling plans we’d made. How my sex life was non-existent because I was so embarrassed about constantly needing to use the bathroom. When going out for a meal meant days of worrying beforehand to the point where eating out became a complete nightmare.

Outwardly, my body will tell you none of those things nor will it tell you that slowly I managed to make a recovery, helped mainly by going back to University to study for a Masters and having something to take my mind off it. By having a group of friends I could confide in and who didn’t judge or berate me when I cancelled plans.

When I was in some of my darkest moods, I didn’t give two shits that I have cellulite on my thighs, that I have a dimple on my huge arse, that I have more chins than I’d like and more stomach rolls than a baker.

Body acceptance

It took a look for me to pose in my underwear like this. It wasn’t something I took lightly and gave it a lot of thought before I decided to start an Instagram account celebrating the lingerie I loved and posing in them myself.

I still struggle with my body now but it has less to do with my weight and size and more to do with suffering with severe sleep apnoea. This is a condition where I essentially stop breathing when I sleep. It causes me to get up constantly in the night and wake up in the morning covered in sweat because my heart is beating so fast to compensate for the oxygen it’s not getting when I stop breathing. I fall asleep at work, have mood swings and almost constantly feel tired. Once I was diagnosed I was given a CPAP machine which is essentially an oxygen mask that makes sure I continue to breathe throughout the night.

But it’s given me a new-found appreciation for my body. It’s also shown me that I have far more important health matters to worry about than what the scales are saying.

One other thing that has really helped with my body confidence is my Instagram account. It initially started off as a way to promote this blog and show off the lingerie I loved as well as the sex toys I was buying. I never planned on putting myself on it and it took a lot of courage for me to do so. But now it’s something that I really get a lot of joy from and the nice comments, whilst not the reason I do it, do help on days when I feel anything but sexy.

I love my body because it’s imperfect…well except, for my boobs. They’re pretty damn perfect.

Sex in my 30’s

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Then & Now

Right now my sex life feels like the best it has ever been. It took reaching my 30’s for me to really start exploring my sexuality and experimenting. Prior to that I’d describe my sex life as unadventurous, with me lacking in confidence and overly self-conscious about my body especially during sex. I was worried about how I ‘looked’ during sex, I focused on the things parts of my body I didn’t like and would often find myself not really present during sex. It was like I was watching myself from afar having sex and picking fault.

However, when I hit my 30’s I started to notice things changing and a large part of that was down to a greater sense of confidence and an acceptance of my body shape and size.

I still have insecurities and I know I always will. I also know that unless I’m prepared to completely overhall my lifestyle and my eating habits, I’m always going to have roughly the body shape I have now and the older I’ve got the more I’ve realised that, if your partner is getting regular sex, they really don’t care about your cellulite and love handles. As soon as I started accepting that I was actually pretty damn sexy the way I was, I found that I was less insecure generally, and that they no longer got in the way of my sex life.

sex in my 30s

Comfortable in my own skin

 

I think another reason it changed because of the types of partners I was choosing. I was drawn, far more, to older men and women who were comfortable with themselves and their bodies and made me feel comfortable in mine. I was also less willing to accept spending time with people who didn’t make me feel good about myself.

Also, with age comes the realization that actually being thin is by far the least of your worries. When I found myself experiencing real ‘problems’ and difficult times, bereavement, family illness, a bout of poor health, I started to realise that I had far more important things to concern myself with.

Orgasms and Intimacy

I’m now in my mid-30’s and there’s very little I’d change drastically about my sex life. So I started thinking about what I love most about my sex life. A friend asked me last night about this and asked what I wanted from my sex life. I said ‘orgasms and intimacy’. I can honestly say, I get both and I couldn’t be more satisfied with my sex life.

This may sound simple and straightforward but actually it took a lot of time, experience, practice, self-acceptance, self-exploration opening myself up to new possibilities, to finally have these.

The last point is particularly important, because it was only when I truly decided to let myself go and try new things and be open to new experiences, that my sex life really changed.

Shower at the ready

One of those new experiences was water sports. I’d never really given it much thought and when I was asked a number of times about whether I’d done it or would consider doing it, I always assumed it wouldn’t hold any appeal.

That was until recently when I decided I’d like to give it a try. This may have been, in large part, down to the person I wanted to experience it with. I knew this was something he was experienced in and enjoyed it. There was something very erotic about knowing it turned him on and I wanted to be a part of that. My partner’s pleasure is incredibly important to me. I feed off their excitement and it increases my own. I enjoy watching my partner’s reactions, seeing them enjoying themselves and hearing them moan.

I was also curious to see if I’d be turned on by it. When it came to attempting it in his bath, I went first. It took a while to feel comfortable enough to just let go and release but when I did there was something liberating about it. There was also the excitement of doing something that’s considered a little taboo. Then it was my partners turn and boy had he saved plenty for me. I could see this was something that meant a lot to him and I was pleased I could do it for him.

Sex in my 30’s has been the best sex so far and who knows, I’m hoping it’ll only continue to get better in my 40’s and 50’s.

 

Sex Toy Review – Jumping on the wand bandwagon

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Sex Toy Review

It would seem as if I’m the last person on the sex blogging Earth to go out and buy themselves a wand. My reluctance to purchase one stemmed largely from the fact that I currently own quite a few toys. I have a number of bullets, a rampant rabbit, a g-spot vibrator and a glass dildo. Why, when I own all of these, would I also need a wand? As it turns out, I was very wrong.

The one I opted for was the Classic Mains Powered Magic Wand Vibrator from Lovehoney in black. For me, the white wand looked rather cheap, whereas in black, it had a more expensive sleek look about it. Plus I figured it would be easiest to keep clean.

Lovehoney wand

Lovehoney wand

For those that don’t know anything about the wands, they were first used as massagers until some filthy bugger discovered you could use it elsewhere and now it serves to send many men and women weak at the knees.

My first impressions were of how heavy it was. There’s some real weight to it, I’m guessing to incorporate the powerful motor inside. I also noticed how loud it was on the higher settings so you might want to keep that in mind if you’re not blessed with thick walls. I’d also recommend starting off on the lower settings which sounds like common sense but boy are those higher settings powerful (don’t say I didn’t warn you).

The first time I used it was with a partner. I was tied up, spread eagle. We experimented using the wand in different positions on the vulva and holding in at various angles. I loved how big the head of the wand was. When placed lower down against your vulva it fits perfectly into the curve of your crotch. After some experimentation I found that I preferred this position, rather than having it placed directly onto my clitoris. It was far too intense and it ended up just feeling numb otherwise.

Once I got use to the sensation, we used it with my glass dildo. This helped achieve both a g-spot and clitoral orgasm. We alternated between holding the wand near my clitoris and pressing it against the glass so the glass vibrated inside me. I also found that I preferred moving the head on and off rather than keeping it held permanently there as it seemed to increase stimulation.

If direct stimulation is too much, I’d recommend starting off using it over the top of your underwear. It’s equally as pleasurable but the vibrations aren’t as intense, so great for foreplay.

What I like about the wand is how versatile it is. I discovered after I bought the wand, that it also comes with several attachments including one that resembles Gonzo from the muppets. This as well as using it for it’s original intended purpose means it’s great to use as part of a sensual erotic massage. I’m also looking forward to conjuring up other ways of incorporating it into my bedroom routine including using it on my male partner. 

Final Thoughts

Overall, the wand has been a resounding success. Now that I have it, I’m not sure what I’d do without it. I’m also looking it getting a portable version for those naughty trips away.

This is not a sponsored post and the wand was purchased with my own hard earned cash.