I’d like to think I’ve always been very open when it comes to talking about sex, even before I have having any of it. A friend of my mum’s used to host ‘tranny parties’ as she called them. Even back then there never anything remotely odd about this to me. It was only when I openly talked about it amongst my friends at school that I saw their looks of confusion, horror and dismissal. It was then that I realised that not everyone was as accepting of difference as I was nor as open to talking about sex and alternative lifestyles.
Over the years I’ve been lucky enough to meet some very closed-minded people. I say lucky because I think it’s important to surround yourself not only with people who share your views but also hold opposing ones. It is only then that you appreciate the importance of having your views regularly challenged but also helped me clarify and re-examine mine. I never want to become complacent in my views or attitudes.
In terms of my views on my own sexual journey and how that may have changed over the years, it seems to me that it has gone through a number of stages. At first I found myself learning about the basics and the mechanics of sex, moving onto feeling more comfortable about asking my sexual partners what they wanted, to feeling confident and empowered enough to say what I wanted.
Rather than being linear, this is almost like a cycle where I find myself revisiting stages. But more recently I’ve found my views about sex changing to encompass a desire to have more non-goal orientated sex. In essence I’m right back where I began, re-learning to have sex and moving towards what’s known as ‘tantric’ or ‘slow-sex.’
Tantric sex otherwise known as slow-sex has changed my views about sex and intimacy hugely. Like anything in life, the more you put in, the more you get out. It isn’t about forcing anything but rather it’s about enjoying being in the moment. Foreplay is key! This can include anything from massages, controlling your breathing and if you want to go that far, meditation.
I’ve learnt to take my time, explore my partner’s body with a variety of touches. I know that it’s about more than just being touched, it’s also about where and how. I like to alternate using my hands, whether that’s the tips of my fingers or my finger nails to using my tongue, my mouth, my feet or even my nipples. I find this increases sensitivity and I start to feel more in touch with my senses. Sex becomes far more sensual and less about reaching orgasm or simply becoming hard and/or wet.
I’m certainly no expert at this and I still class myself as a complete beginner, but learning about tantric sex/tantra certainly has changed the way I view sex for the better and it’s something I’m keen to keep exploring and practising in order to increase intimacy in my sex life.