Tag Archives: erotic journal challenge

How my views about sex have changed over the years

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tantra

Thanks to tantra or slow-sex, my views of both sex and intimacy have changed hugely.

I’d like to think I’ve always been very open when it comes to talking about sex, even before I have having any of it. A friend of my mum’s used to host ‘tranny parties’ as she called them. Even back then there never anything remotely odd about this to me. It was only when I openly talked about it amongst my friends at school that I saw their looks of confusion, horror and dismissal. It was then that I realised that not everyone was as accepting of difference as I was nor as open to talking about sex and alternative lifestyles.

Over the years I’ve been lucky enough to meet some very closed-minded people. I say lucky because I think it’s important to surround yourself not only with people who share your views but also hold opposing ones. It is only then that you appreciate the importance of having your views regularly challenged but also helped me clarify and re-examine mine. I never want to become complacent in my views or attitudes.

In terms of my views on my own sexual journey and how that may have changed over the years, it seems to me that it has gone through a number of stages. At first I found myself learning about the basics and the mechanics of sex, moving onto feeling more comfortable about asking my sexual partners what they wanted, to feeling confident and empowered enough to say what I wanted.

Rather than being linear, this is almost like a cycle where I find myself revisiting stages. But more recently I’ve found my views about sex changing to encompass a desire to have more non-goal orientated sex. In essence I’m right back where I began, re-learning to have sex and moving towards what’s known as ‘tantric’ or ‘slow-sex.’

Tantric sex otherwise known as slow-sex has changed my views about sex and intimacy hugely. Like anything in life, the more you put in, the more you get out. It isn’t about forcing anything but rather it’s about enjoying being in the moment. Foreplay is key! This can include anything from massages, controlling your breathing and if you want to go that far, meditation.

I’ve learnt to take my time, explore my partner’s body with a variety of touches. I know that it’s about more than just being touched, it’s also about where and how. I like to alternate using my hands, whether that’s the tips of my fingers or my finger nails to using my tongue, my mouth, my feet or even my nipples. I find this increases sensitivity and I start to feel more in touch with my senses. Sex becomes far more sensual and less about reaching orgasm or simply becoming hard and/or wet.

I’m certainly no expert at this and I still class myself as a complete beginner, but learning about tantric sex/tantra certainly has changed the way I view sex for the better and it’s something I’m keen to keep exploring and practising in order to increase intimacy in my sex life.

The Erotic Journal Challenge – Body Love

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Trigger warning. There are some parts of this post that may be difficult to read.

This challenge was originally posted for week #22. Since the next couple of weeks of The Erotic Journal Challenge are all about catching up on those you’ve missed, I thought week 22 would be a good one to revisit since it follows on nicely from my previous post.

The prompt was:

What parts of your body do you love and what parts do you have trouble accepting? Our bodies tell a story, what tale does yours have to tell?

I decided to answer this prompt by not discussing what I love and hate about my body but rather by telling you a story about what it’s been through.

Ann Summers Bra and Knickers

10 years ago I’d never have had the confidence to post a picture like this. Some days I still see all my faults.

In my teens I had what’s considered by some, especially teenagers, to be the perfect body. I was skinny. Not just slim but rake thin. The reason for this was because I was a tomboy. I trained as a long-distance runner and played for just about every team you could play for at school. I spent my evenings out playing with my sisters and I was almost always active, when I wasn’t reading. I was teased for being skinny and called a stick insect and anorexic. I hated my body and wished I had a curvy, sexy one that all the boys seemed to fancy.

In my late teens I experienced a sexual assault that left me despising my body even more. I couldn’t bare to be touched or even looked at. I stopped doing sports and buried my head in studying and going to University. I put a lot of weight on, to the point where I can’t bring myself to look at pictures of myself from ages 16-18.

I went to University and lost a lot of weight but I still wasn’t happy. My friends were perfect or so it seemed to me; slim, intelligent, accomplished women and yet they seemed obsessed with losing weight and I constantly compared myself to them.

I left University and for a while I was happy with my body and didn’t really give my size or weight much thought. I was too busy thinking about what I was going to do with my life and working my arse off.

Then I went on holiday and picked up a stomach bug which left me ill for months afterwards. This was followed by some of the most crippling depression I’ve ever experienced.

My body showed very little sign of the years I spent in my late 20’s struggling and suffering with severe IBS and panic attacks. The only physical sign was the slow weight loss, when eating anything meant feeling nauseous. It doesn’t tell the tale of how I was almost house bound because I couldn’t get on public transport without having a panic attack.

Where I completely isolated myself from friends and family because I felt guilty about constantly cancelling plans we’d made. How my sex life was non-existent because I was so embarrassed about constantly needing to use the bathroom. When going out for a meal meant days of worrying beforehand to the point where eating out became a complete nightmare.

Outwardly, my body will tell you none of those things nor will it tell you that slowly I managed to make a recovery, helped mainly by going back to University to study for a Masters and having something to take my mind off it. By having a group of friends I could confide in and who didn’t judge or berate me when I cancelled plans.

When I was in some of my darkest moods, I didn’t give two shits that I have cellulite on my thighs, that I have a dimple on my huge arse, that I have more chins than I’d like and more stomach rolls than a baker.

Body acceptance

It took a look for me to pose in my underwear like this. It wasn’t something I took lightly and gave it a lot of thought before I decided to start an Instagram account celebrating the lingerie I loved and posing in them myself.

I still struggle with my body now but it has less to do with my weight and size and more to do with suffering with severe sleep apnoea. This is a condition where I essentially stop breathing when I sleep. It causes me to get up constantly in the night and wake up in the morning covered in sweat because my heart is beating so fast to compensate for the oxygen it’s not getting when I stop breathing. I fall asleep at work, have mood swings and almost constantly feel tired. Once I was diagnosed I was given a CPAP machine which is essentially an oxygen mask that makes sure I continue to breathe throughout the night.

But it’s given me a new-found appreciation for my body. It’s also shown me that I have far more important health matters to worry about than what the scales are saying.

One other thing that has really helped with my body confidence is my Instagram account. It initially started off as a way to promote this blog and show off the lingerie I loved as well as the sex toys I was buying. I never planned on putting myself on it and it took a lot of courage for me to do so. But now it’s something that I really get a lot of joy from and the nice comments, whilst not the reason I do it, do help on days when I feel anything but sexy.

I love my body because it’s imperfect…well except, for my boobs. They’re pretty damn perfect.

The Erotic Journal Challenge – Sexual Positions

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The challenge for week #28 of the Erotic Journal Challenge looks at sexual positions. What is your favourite and least favourite sexual position and why. 

I don’t have a vast repertoire  of sex positions to call on. When I find ones I like, I tend to stick to those. New positions are usually attempted when none of the tried and tested faithful’s seem to be hitting the spot.

Anis nin quote

My favourite sex positions

69 tops my list of favourite sex positions. In this position I’m completely in control, when I’m sitting on my partners face. I enjoy feeling this lips, their tongue, their mouth and even their nose all over my crotch. The weight of my body pressing down on them is utterly erotic. In that position my partner can even slide a finger into my arse for extra stimulation.

Knowing that we’re mutually stimulating one another at the same time is a real turn on for me. The more turned on I get, the more vigour I inject into giving my partner oral.

If it’s heterosexual love making, then positions can be dependant on the size of my male partner’s penis. Some are far more enjoyable and comfortable than others.

In certain positions where the woman is in control and can direct how deep the penis goes in, it feels far more pleasurable if your partner is well endowed, positions like reverse cowgirl or many standing positions. Others such as the butterfly or where the legs are raised can end up feeling painful rather than pleasurable.

My least favourite sex positions

This brings me onto my least favourite sexual positions. This is usually anything that requires any gymnastic skills to get into or out of. Not only don’t I have the athleticism to do it but I don’t fancy a trip to Accident and Emergency either.

However, writing this has inspired me to go and buy a copy of the Kama Sutra. Not only don’t I know that many positions but aside from the likes of 69, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, missionary and the wheelbarrow, but I don’t know the names of them.

Hopefully in a few weeks time I’ll know my  snake from my crab position.

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The Erotic Journal Challenge – My Sexual Realizations

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Erotic Journal Challenge

I’ve been meaning to do this for some time, but with the Bank Holiday here, I’ve finally found the time to start the Erotic Journal Challenge hosted by Bridget Writes.
For those that don’t know about the challenge, Bridget posts a topic or question each week that encourages you to tap into your own sensuality and eroticism and answer the prompts however you see fit whether that’s with a story, poem etc. you get the idea. Once you’re done you post a link on her blog.

erotic journal challenge

#EroticJournalChallenge #eroticjournalchallenge

Week #14 Sexual Realization

For this week, my first week taking part, it seems fitting to start with ‘realization’ and the prompt to, “write about a time when you realized something about your sexuality.”

There have been a few stand out moments of realization when it comes to my sexuality, one of which led to the eventual creation of this blog, as well as smaller ones that you only appreciate looking back on.

But the one that came to mind first was actually a false realization, the mistaken belief that I might be asexual. This was around 2012 when I came across an article in the Guardian about a number of young people who described themselves as ‘asexual’. This was a word I’d only ever heard used to describe plants, so my curiosity was immediately aroused.

Asexuality

For those who don’t know already, ‘asexuality’ describes the absence of sexual desire, not, as some mistakenly think, the suppression of it, which is celibacy. 1% of the population describes themselves as asexual.

The article’s headline read, ‘in a society obsessed with sex, it’s hard if you have no sexual desire at all. Some are searching for a new form of intimacy’.

It was the word ‘intimacy’ that really stood out for me. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was craving intimacy, and not necessarily the sexual kind.

They spoke to Bryony a biology student from Manchester who felt unable to join in on the conversations involving sex and sexual attractiveness. But the overwhelming and recurrent theme was loneliness. There seemed to be a real desire to form meaningful relationships that didn’t involve sex and at that time, this was something I was deeply craving. I’d left University and my small but intimate friendship group where we were able to talk to each other about everything and I was missing that.

This coupled with the fact that I’d started a course of anti-depressants for panic attacks, meant that my libido was almost non-existent and I really began to wonder if I was asexual. My sexual desire seemed to have deserted me. I had lost all interest in sexual activity and I now realize I had confused this lack of interest with the fact that many asexuals don’t find anyone sexually attractive. At the time I had no idea that there was a link between a low libido and taking anti-depressants.

It took me a while but I soon realized two things; one, how closely my moods were linked to my sexual desires, something up until that point I’d never really considered. When I was feeling low my desires waned or disappeared. For a long time my low moods became the norm.

The Joys of Sexting

The second realization came when I reconnected with an old university flame who unexpectedly reignited my sexual desires through sexting, something I’d never done before. It wasn’t that I was asexual, it was that I had been deeply lonely and unhappy and lacked an outlet for expressing my sexual desires. The sexting gave me that.

Looking back now it seems almost laughable. Here I am writing about having once thought I was asexual on my very own sex blog. I’ve always loved words. Sexting, erotica and now this blog have helped me realize the power they have to excite and stimulate. Once I discovered that, there was no stopping me.

Of course there have been other realizations that came later, my bisexuality and my love of kink being just two of them. But the one I’ve just described has probably been the one that made me realize the most about myself.